
It’s been a year since we officially adopted our boys (i.e. stood before a judge who signed the documents) and almost two and a half years since they joined our family.
I’ve never blogged about our adoption story. I’ve blogged about older child adoption, mused on things as a parent, and given my opinion on a number of adoption-related events, and issues, but I’ve never related our story.
So here it is.
It’s long.
Get comfortable.
…
My partner and I are a same-sex couple. We’ve been together for thirteen years. Six years ago we attended a course run out of a GLBT community centre in Toronto called “Daddies and Poppas”. Basically it was a course meant to educate couples on the various parenting options.
We knew we wanted to be parents, but the question was how. Surrogacy? Local adoption? International adoption? Co-parenting?
In the end we chose local adoption. We felt it was the best fit for us.
So in February of 2005 we put in our application with the local Children’s Aid Society to become adoptive parents.
After that, we waited.
And waited.
Two years passed before we finally received the call that we would be able to attend the adoption orientation course. (The wait for the course is now more like a year since they made some changes to the system, but I truly believe this wait is necessary. It gave us a lot of time to think about what we wanted out of parenting and quite honestly it helps prevent impulsive adoption. There’s nothing worse than a failed adoption because a parent wasn’t capable/ready of taking on the challenges that adoption can incur.)
The adoption orientation course was engaging and interesting. We learned a lot about the various circumstances under which children come into care and become crown wards. We also learned about the various types of adoptions (open, closed, etc). The course was ten weeks long, and after that we were set up with an amazing adoption worker who would then interview us, both separately and together, as part of the home study. We also had to provide reference letters, undergo a medical check, a comprehensive police background check, and provide information proving that we were financially capable of providing for children. (NOTE: Although adoption through Children’s Aid is free, we needed to be financially secure.)
During the interview process, we were required to talk about our past, including personal issues, our relationships with our family members and spouse, as well as what expectations we had as parents. That honesty is fundamental in a lot of ways. The aim of Children’s Aid is to find the right home for a child. They have no obligation to prospective parents – so there was no guarantee that they would find us a child. The focus was, and should always be, what is best for the child. I’ve heard parents complain about how they never got a child through Children’s Aid. IMHO, I don’t think they waited long enough, or their parameters were too narrow. Desiring a healthy baby of similar ethnic background from a birth mother with a perfect health record and no history of substance abuse is a recipe for a very long wait, or an impossibility.
Back to the home study.
In talking about our relationships, past and present, the adoption worker was able to get a feel for who we were and what we were capable of. We decided that we wanted to adopt two children (siblings) that were between the ages of 2 and 5. We felt that was the right fit for us. Our worker took all of the information back and wrote up a report, recommending us as prospective parents.
This was June of 2007.
Then the wait started all over.
At this point, we were waiting for children that would become available for adoption in our area, as well as ones that the workers felt would be a good fit. They had multiple parents to choose from for various children and they needed to decide who would make the best home for the children.
We continued to wait.
Getting closer to October, we were told that an Adoption Resource Exchange Conference was happening in Toronto. This event is only open to parents that have a completed home study (or are in the process of completing it). They hold them twice a year. At the conference, children awaiting adoption from all over the province are profiled (through displays, pamphlets, videos, and pictures) for adoptive parents and workers to review. These children are profiled at the conference because they couldn’t be placed in adoptive homes in their own regions. Usually this is because they are children with specialized needs or because they are sibling groups.
We didn’t know what to expect at this event. We arrived and took up a seat in the auditorium and watched as videos of children and descriptions of their needs were played on the large screen before us. Between choking sobs and tears, we made notes on the pamphlets we had been given so we could follow up with various workers. We didn’t last long in there. It was heart wrenching.
We then wandered through the various displays across multiple rooms, stopping here and there, saying hello to the workers and picking up information sheets on the various children.
And as we stepped into one of the rooms, I saw a display across the way of three boys. They had the look of little Huckleberry Fin’s. I will never forget that moment as I muttered out loud, “Oh my god.”
Believe me, or don’t, I knew they were our children. I knew it in my gut, and I made a beeline for the display.
We immediately hit it off with the workers, asking a million questions. We watched a little video they had brought with them that showed these beautiful boys in stunning photos. The song Little Wonders by Rob Thomas played in the background. Our hearts melted. They told us that the oldest was living in a separate foster home than his brothers, didn’t attend the same school, and rarely saw them. He wanted to be with his brothers. They were 6, 7, and 9 years old. And if they didn’t find an adoptive home for them at the conference, they were going to split them up, adopting the two youngest together and try to find a home for the oldest separately.
We told them we wanted all three. Together.
We took down all of the relevant information, filled out forms, gave them one of our own profile sheets, and made our way back to the auditorium to watch the information video on this little trio. From that moment those boys had captured our hearts.
We wandered through the aisles and took information down about other children, but none had had the impact on us like those three little boys.
And so, the wait began again.
From that weekend, we learned that there were eight couples interested in the boys.
Our hearts were heavy. We were a same-sex couple, and despite the fact that Children’s Aid had long been approving of same-sex couples as adoptive parents, we couldn’t help but wonder if we might be overlooked.
A couple of weeks later, we learned that the choice had been narrowed down to four couples.
We were among them.
To the four couples, an information package was sent, giving full disclosure of the boys’ backgrounds, their birth parents, the reason they had come into care, and some of the challenges that the boys faced.
We were daunted by none of it. We read that information over and over. It furthered our resolve that we were the right parents for these boys.
Then a little snag occurred. The two youngest attended a school where one of the school staff wanted to adopt them. They hadn’t completed a home study yet, but Children’s Aid deemed that they should be treated as a kin-type of relationship.
We were devastated.
What could we possibly offer that someone who already knows them couldn’t?
So we waited. Dejectedly.
After about another two weeks, we were told that this person’s plan wasn’t viable. They weren’t aware that there was a third child and Children’s Aid thought it was in the boys’ best interest to find a home for them where they could be together.
So now it came down to us and one other couple. We were told that we would be interviewed, as well as the other couple, and the decision would be made after that. We were up against a heterosexual couple with a teenage son. We also found out that this particular Children’s Aid Society had never adopted to a same-sex couple before. Yet again, we wondered if we would be chosen.
The interview was incredible. We talked with the same workers that we had met at the Exchange. We talked, and laughed, and shared plans and ideas. We even cut into the time of the other couple because we lost track of time.
After that, it was a few more days before we received the call. We had been chosen!! Those three little boys that we had waited to hear about for seven weeks were going to be our children! We were beside ourselves with joy!
This was now early December 2007.
We were invited to meet with the foster parents and we would be given the chance to see the boys in a meeting room from behind a two-way mirror.
We drove four hours to the region where our boys were living. And as we pulled into the parking lot, we saw two little boys get out of a car, one of which stopped as we drove by. I watched him mouth the words, “Woah!” as we went by. And the two of us were practically screaming, “Oh my god! Oh my god!” as we parked. That little boy was our middle son.
We waited for them to enter the building, giving them the time to get in and then we followed. We were immediately escorted to a room so we could watch from behind the mirror. Our oldest got to meet with his younger brothers and we watched from behind the mirror as they exchanged Christmas gifts and home-made cards with each other. (We still have those cards.)
One of the workers sent the boys over to the mirror to clean their faces after they ate lunch, knowing we would want a closer look at our future sons.
They came over and made faces in the mirror to our delight.
After letting the boys leave we moved to another room where we met with various workers as well as the foster families. Our boys had still been living in separate foster homes (our two youngest were together in one, our oldest in another). We were told more about the boys and what to expect from them. We discussed schedules of visits, sleep overs, and the final move to our house. We brought with us little photo albums that we had created for each of them with pictures of their new home, school, dogs, family and friends. And in that album was also a DVD that very good friends of ours put together for them.
We then left knowing that in early January we would be meeting them.
Christmas came and went. We spent New Years alone that year, wanting to just rest and relax before the upcoming maelstrom of visits and activities. A new and exciting journey was waiting for us!
We went shopping for gifts to bring with us. We got a flat tire the night before we were supposed to meet them and had to scramble to get it replaced. As a result, we were an hour late arriving and found the boys all sitting in a circle on the floor, playing Old Maid. We came in and said hello, bringing the bags of presents with us.
The boys said nothing. They looked up from their game, and my partner and I took places in the little circle with them. We needed no introduction. My oldest said not a word. He simply took half his cards and handed them to my partner. And as if we had always been a family, we played Old Maid and the bonding began.
In most cases, the workers or foster families are needed to break the ice and act as mediators in the initial meeting. That wasn’t the case for us. We hit it off immediately. My youngest told us, in his matter-of-fact tone, that they were going to come and live with us, and that I had a big head. I laughed aloud, not having the heart to tell him that he had a pretty big noggin himself.
From there we spent the coming days getting to know our boys and took them tobogganing, swimming, bowling, and to their hockey games. We lived out of McDonald’s – their favorite restaurant.
A few weeks later, they moved in with their new family. Us.
It wasn’t necessarily simple from there. Minor complications arose. Our oldest son had been living with an extremely religious foster family that had poisoned his mind. They led him to believe he would go to hell because he had two dads. It was something that no nine year old should ever have to deal with, not after everything else he had been through.
It took time to undo the brainwashing. Between a very supportive play therapist and children’s books like “And Tango Makes Three” he was better able to understand what it meant to have two dads.
We spent the next year doing what all families do. We took them to amusement parks, camping, the cottage, family get togethers, and cultural events. We talked with them, read to them, played with them. We went crazy at Christmas with gingerbread houses, decorations, fun in the snow, and lots of presents!
Then we were told that, just prior to seeing the judge for the adoption finalization, our boys had to see a lawyer. Because of their ages, they had to formally agree to the adoption. They had to sign. And they had 3 weeks in which to change their minds. There were two sets of fears going on here. Our fear that they might not sign, or that they might change their minds. And for the boys, they feared that we might not want them.
Three weeks later we stood before an Ontario Supreme Court Justice who told us that we were all officially a family. It is one of the greatest moments in our lives. And for our boys, especially our oldest, the tension they had been living with suddenly melted away. They knew they would never be separated from each other again, they knew that this family would be forever, and that we would always be their dads.
Family and friends filled the court room to share that wonderful day with us. And now, a year later, we’re as strong a family as any. Our boys proudly correct people who assume they have a mother. “I don’t have a mom. I have two dads,” they say. They stand up for others when they see injustice, and they like that they’re a little bit different. “I wouldn’t want to be like everyone else,” my oldest says, “I like being different.”
I now barely remember what it was like before we had children. And I don’t want to. They have filled our lives with so much love, laughter, and joy that I can’t imagine it any other way.
And so now it’s our anniversary, and at this time of the year, every year, we’re going to celebrate.
Wouldn’t you?